Solipsistic Wonderland
I totally stole the subject of this post from the excellent Read Roger. It’s an oft-made point, though, that blogging is a self-serving exercise, especially for those of us who blog for such a small audience. I justify the solipsism because it’s a nice way for me to keep in touch with friends, and it’s a way for me to get ideas onto “paper” that I think might someday, with a lot of work, be essay-worthy.
This post, however, is just here because I need to bitch. Feel free to stop reading now.
I keep reading that everybody is having a bad week. Is it the four-winter-storms-in-ten-days? The pervasive white haze? The pre-holiday stress? Even the little things are pissing me off. Like my computer mouse. My old one broke—it moved up and down, barely, but didn’t move side-to-side at all, making navigation damn near impossible—so I ordered a cordless mouse off eBay. It arrived promptly, and when I set it up… nothing. Didn’t work. I bought new batteries for it, and it solved the problem immediately! Works like a dream! Well, a bad dream. The clickers don’t work consistently—sometimes it takes a triple-click to do the work of a double-click, and a double-click for a single click, but not always. As a result, I’m constantly clicking links that I didn’t mean to, or I’m clicking four times in a row to follow one link. I’m doing a lot of freelance work right now that requires considerable web-surfing, so this makes me crazy for a couple hours every night. I don’t want to keep spending money on mouses (mice?), but this is freakin’ ridiculous.
Normally I wouldn’t post about something so personal, but I don’t think I can bitch about this enough. I’ve been dating a guy for the last month or so, and things were going well (I thought). Exactly one-and-a-half hours after a lovely brunch together on Sunday, he broke things off with me. IN A FUCKING EMAIL. Who does that? It was three sentences long, if you count the last sentence: “Sorry!” I’m not quite nasty enough to post the whole thing here, but am nasty enough to invite you to mock his tactlessness in the comments. I mean, he lives half a mile from me, and he broke up with me in an email. Or join me in the bitching, relieve some holiday stress, and leave your own shitty breakup stories! I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know about this blog, but if he’s reading this: for future reference, please don’t break up with girls over email. It’s not nice.
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current book: I have so many New Yorkers piled up right now…
current music: Bloc Party and Saturday Looks Good To Me. I can’t remember the album names, and it would require doing battle with my mouse in order to find them online.
current socks: Dark blue with light blue polka dots.
Posted 11 December 2007
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Darling Laura-
During the worst breakup of my life, you introduced me to the phrase “cunting monkey”. I now give the phrase back to you to use with impunity.
I hope things get better for you soon.
We all know my thoughts on the stinky penis wrinkle that practices email break-ups. I’m tempted to post all of my scathing emails previously sent to you on this blog. V. tempted.
I know you’re quite the catch. Don’t let the panty-waisted assknocker’s actions make you think otherwise.
(I’m a little worried about how these posts will affect the keyword searches that link to your site!!)
Hugs.
Your biggest fan ;)
Jules
Btw,
The bad week forecast extends past Chicago. All the way to SC.
Yesterday was miserable. I got reamed in a meeting by a man who resembled Jabba the Hut. I was scared that if I made a move to defend my position, he’d either eat me or shackle me to the conference room table and force me to wear a metal bikini. And that was just 2 hours of a miserable 11 hour work day.
I think this calls for a post-work bottle of wine (or 3). Care to join me??
Frankly, I think you’d look hot in a metal bikini.
Would love to share a bottle or four of wine with you. When are you coming to Chicago, anyways? It’s a balmy thirty degrees here!
I, for one, will buy you a condolence beer this weekend. Breaking up by email is lowest of the low, especially when the break-up is coming out of far left field. . . .
Where are these boy’s daddies? I would be embarrassed to have raised such a coward.
P.S. Once I broke up with a girl by driving from Indy to Chicago, and I’M GAY!
This definitely beats the ‘Sex in the City’ break up on a post-it note because at least Carrie could use that as a get out of jail free card. Unless you print off that e-mail and carry it around, its much less useful.
In the meantime, for the winter blahs, break-up blahs etc I have found a new remedy, massive quantities of dark chocolate.
There are credible medical studies that it makes your body create serotonin and that its also useful as an anti-oxidant which according to Women’s Health (or some magazine like that I was reading in the checkout lane at Whole Foods) eating antioxidants helps you look younger which is always useful.
These days there are no shortage of options of great dark chocolate – several at Whole Foods including one with Rosemary if you are feeling adventurous and some with liquid espresso in the center if you want to go straight for the dark chocolate in the morning.
Meanwhile, back to mr. no-manners, I always want to know who these boy’s mammas are.
I’ve often thought that a compilation of poorly handled break-ups would make for a good book. This falls into that collection. It’s happened to me before, too, and if throwing knives at my computer monitor would’ve hit him in the face on the other side, trust me, I would’ve tried it!
My favorite of the all-time worst breakups was a friend who was dating a guy she worked in the same building with. He stayed at her place one night and they drove to work together the next day and grabbed breakfast at the cafe in their building on the way in. He not only proceeded to break up with her over breakfast, but realized he had no cash on him and she had to pay!!! Who does this kinda crap?
I’m sorry about your frustrations and I know that the cliche consolation of being better off without him is a rather empty offering, but seriously, if that’s how he breaks things off after a month, can you imagine how he handles more pressing and serious relationship matters??
On a lighter note, I am flying into O’Hare on New Year’s Day and being whisked off down to Indy immediately until the 30th! Any chance I might catch you in nap town during January? Pretty pleeeez? :)
Laura I love your blog!! I agree what a shitty way to break up with someone.
Hey are your parents still living in Indy? If so are you going to be there for Christmas? I’m leaving MN tomorrow morning to make the trek…. Ugh…..
Smiles,
~Maura