‘Tis the Season
This is the first Christmas in six years (!!) that I won’t be in McBookstore on Sundays. And… oh well! (As I side note, I do actually miss being in the kids section, not because I long for misbehaving snot-nosed crumbsnatchers, but because I miss reading all the kids books for free.) However, my friend Kelly has brilliantly recapped what it’s like to work retail at Christmas, and oh, how it’s brought back the memories! In honor of the holiday season, a few of my favorite stories of retail chaos.
As Kelly pointed out, McBookstore sadly does not shelf books by the color of the spine. Nor by the texture of their cover.
Customer: I’m looking for this book, it’s about angels.
Me: Okay. Do you know the title?
Customer: Nooo… I saw it in the airport bookstore last week.
Me, thinking that if it’s in an airport bookstore, maybe it’s one of our bestsellers and therefore out on one of the front tables: Let’s take a look on these tables and see if it might be here. Do you remember an author name, a word in the title…?
Customer: It was small and square. And it had an angel on the front cover.
Me: I really need part of a title or name to be able to search for it on the computer.
Customer, barreling on anyways: It was white. Off-white. And it had small squares on the front cover, like it was quilted. And there was a picture of an angel. But the texture was raised, you know? You could feel it.
[sound of my head hitting the information desk]
* * *
As Kelly has also pointed out, customers don’t always know what they’re looking for.
Stereotypically bored, rich, suburban housewife enters store and walks straight to the information desk. She leans over the counter with a big, disinterested sigh: I’m looking for Forkner.
Me, bracing myself: Forkner? Um, okay. Do you mean… Faulkner?
Bored housewife: NO! FORKner. It’s Forkner.
[pause]
Bored housewife, looking as pensive as one can with freshly Botoxed brows: Wellll… I dunno. Maybe it was Faulkner. He was on Oprah.
Me: Yes. William Faulkner. He was the last author Oprah chose for her book club. Let me show you where his books are.
[we walk to the "F" in Fiction/Literature, where at least three full shelves have been dedicated to stockpiles of Faulkner, including lots of face-outs and a special Oprah-edition boxed set]
Me: Here you go, ma’am. All his books are right here on these shelves.
Bored housewife looks slowly and carefully over the three shelves: So, can you recommend something? Like, what came out recently?
Me, completely fucking floored: Um. Um. He’s… he’s not exactly a living author, ma’am.
* * *
Working in the kids section is a real treat during the holidays. There’s a part of me that liked it, if only because people are so desperate–and therefore susceptible to recommendations–that they’ll buy just about anything I put in their hands (almost anything). I like to think that maybe I’ve introduced some kids to books they wouldn’t have otherwise picked up. My first question to a customer, after determining the age and gender of the recipient, is, “What other kinds of books is s/he reading?” This is the quickest way of determining whether the kid in question likes fantasy or real-life stories, about what level they’re reading at, and if they have any particular obsessions (dinosaurs, horses, Bob the Builder). Guaranteed that during the month of December, at least 80% of the answers are, “Yeah, I don’t really know.” Really? You have no idea if your 12-year-old nephew likes to read? And you think I’m going to be able to tell you whether he’s ready for the abridged version of The Count of Monte Cristo or if I should show you my favorite Roald Dahl books? Have you seen our fine selection of gift cards at the front of the store, sir?
One Christmas Eve, an especially desperate looking guy came into the kids section. He wanted something for his daughter–something really special, something that ALL the kids wanted this year. He was recently divorced, and he wanted something for his daughter that, he said, would make her say “Wow!” when tore open the wrapping paper. It was December 24th, so I had my doubts, but he seemed so desperate and so sincere that I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. I pointed him to a lovely new special edition hardback of a popular book.
“Do you have it in paperback?”
Sigh. Happy Holidays.
Posted 15 December 2006
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You know… when Oprah chose Faulkner for her Book Club, I imagined this very conversation going on in bookstores all across the country.
When Jason & Erin worked at McBookstore, they would get “I’m looking for this book, and it’s blue” with such frequency that they started making a list of popular blue books.
How fun. I got to spend a bit of time in retail this year, although not in my beloved McBookstore. Antics are very similar, though…
* I can’t get over, no matter their frequency, people who cut off another customer whom I’m OBVIOUSLY currently assisting in order to get to their desired item quicker. I always respond the same way with the same gritted teeth, sarcastic smile “I’ll be happy to help you just as soon as I’m finished helping this nice person.” This year, I’ve been working in an international chain store of bath and beauty products. Was showing one woman lipsticks and using the back of my hand to show the color. All of a sudden, the woman on the other side of me, who was already being helped by another associate, grabbed my hand and said “I want that color. Can you show me that one?”
* Similar to “Forkner” lady, McBookstore is filled with condescending shoppers who are certain their education is far superb to yours. One (particularly rude and condescending) man: “I’m looking for a DVD of the BBC series ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’” (in such a tone that implied I could never have seen or appreciated anything that featured on BBC)Me: “Oh sure, it’s actually an HBO series. It’s over here.” Him: “No, it’s not, it’s from the BBC.” Me: “Actually, it’s by and about the co-creator of Seinfeld. It was on HBO.”
* One former McBookstore associate had a great game he played with customers. Often at ye olde information desk, customers approach and just blurt out what they want and wait for you to patiently serve them with a smile. i.e. “That new Grisham book.” Said associate would ask a series of questions just to try to get a complete sentence out of them. Very entertaining.
Ah, retail. Sigh. A real window on humans in their most animalistic form.